Yes I’ll Marry You by Pam Ayres

Yes, I’ll marry you, my dear,

and here’s the reason why;

So I can push you out of bed

when the baby starts to cry,

And if we hear a knocking

and it’s creepy and it’s late,

I hand you the torch you see,

and you investigate.

Yes I’ll marry you, my dear,

you may not apprehend it,

but when the tumble-drier goes,

it’s you that has to mend it,

You have to face the neighbour

should our Labrador attack him,

and if a drunkard fondles me

it’s you that has to whack him.

Yes, I’ll marry you,

You’re virile and you’re lean,

my house is like a pigsty

you can help to keep it clean.

That sexy little dinner

which you served by candlelight,

as I do chipolatas,

you can cook it every night!

It’s you who has to work the drill,

and put up curtain track,

and when I’ve got PMS it’s you who gets the flak,

I do see great advantages,

but none of them for you,

and so before you see the light,

I do, I do, I do!

 

 A Lovely Love Story by Edward Monkton (Funny)

The fierce Dinosaur was trapped inside his cage of ice. Although it was cold he was happy in there. It was, after all, his cage.

Then along came the Lovely Other Dinosaur. The Lovely Other Dinosaur melted the Dinosaur’s cage with kind words and loving thoughts.

I like this Dinosaur, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. Although he is fierce he is also tender and he is funny. He is also quite clever although I will not tell him this for now.

I like this Lovely Other Dinosaur, thought the Dinosaur. She is beautiful and she is different and she smells so nice. She is also a free spirit which is a quality I much admire in a Dinosaur.

But he can be so distant and so peculiar at times, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. He is also overly fond of things. Are all Dinosaurs so overly fond of things?

But her mind skips from here to there so quickly, thought the Dinosaur. She is also uncommonly keen on shopping. Are all Lovely Other Dinosaurs so uncommonly keen on shopping?

I will forgive his peculiarity and his concern for things, thought the Lovely Other Dinosaur. For they are part of what make him a richly charactered individual.

I will forgive her skipping mind and her fondness for shopping, thought the Dinosaur. For she fills our life with beautiful thought and wonderful surprises. Besides, I am not unkeen on shopping either.

Now the Dinosaur and Lovely Other Dinosaur are old. Look at them. Together they stand on the hill telling each other stories and feeling the warmth of the sun on their backs.

And that, my friends, is how it is with love. Let us all be Dinosaurs and Lovely Other Dinosaurs together. For the sun is warm. And the world is a beautiful place.

 

Love Monkey by Edward Monkton (Funny)

It was once custom that every monkey would carve for himself a wooden heart. And the heart that love monkey carved was the most beautiful of all.

Its contours were soft and rounded, like an ancient pebble sculpted by the oceans. Its surface was smooth and shiny like liquid silk, and it shone as bright as a ruby in the desert sun.

“Take your hearts with you wherever you go,” said their teacher.

“Nurture them as a mother nurtures her new-born baby.

For when you want to give of yourself fully, your heart is the only true gift you will have.”

That night, Love Monkey had a dream.

He dreamt of a monkey whose smile lit up his sole like sunshine.

He held out his hear to her, so radiant, so splendid and so new.

She took him in her arms and he felt truly, perfectly, at peace.

When Love Monkey awoke he resolved that, from that day forward, he would search for his Dream Monkey until he could stand before her and give to her his perfect heart.

He travelled through deserts…and climbed over mountains.

He trekked across forests…and sailed many oceans.

Love Monkey looked after his heart as best he could, but the storms that he endured on his travels chipped away at its surface and each new adventure reshaped it.

By the time he arrived on the last distant shore, his heart was so changed by the patina of time that it barely resembled his old heart at all.

And then, he saw her.

Standing before him, as radiant and as beautiful as the sunshine, was his Dream Monkey.

At first he could not speak.

But then, from somewhere deep inside himself, he found a voice.

“I have travelled the world over to find you, and to give you my heart,” he said. “But now that I am finally with you, I see how foolish I have been. You are so beautiful, so perfect. And my heart that was once smooth, so bright and so new is now not something that I could even bring myself to show you,” .. and he turned to go.

“Let me see it,” said Dream Monkey. She took his heart and held it up to the light. “Nothing to me is more beautiful. Every fissure tells a story. Every blemish makes you more real. All my life I have been waiting for a heart like this; a heart that speaks the truth.”

“Come here,” she said. “I have something for you too.”

In her hand was a tiny golden heart.

It was as worn and as scratched as Love Monkey’s own

…and it was the most precious thing that he had ever seen.

 

 I’ll Be There by Louise Cuddon (Funny)

I’ll be there my darling, through thick and through thin

When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin

When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train.

When life is just threatening to drive you insane

When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page

When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age

When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm

When the forecast said “Fine”, but you’re out in a storm

When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum

And your holiday photos show only your thumb

When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay

And return to discover you’ve been towed away

When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste

Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist

When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes

When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…

When you break a rule, when you act the fool

When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew

When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue

’cause I’m telling you, I’ll be there

I’ll be there for you.

 

He Never Leaves the Seat Up (Funny)

He never leaves the seat up

Or wet towels upon the floor

The toothpaste has the lid on

And he always shuts the door!

She says she loves his kindness

And his loyalty is a must

And of course she thinks he’s funny

Which in her eyes is a plus!

He’s a very active person

Exercise is just the ticket

Where as she likes lazy days

He’ll drag her to the cricket…

or the rugby..or the football… anything really..

She’s thoughtful when he looks at her

A smile upon his face

Will he look that good in 50 years

When his dentures aren’t in place?!

He says he loves her figure

And her mental prowess too

But when gravity takes her over

Will she charm with her IQ?

All that said and done

They love the time they spend together

And I hope as I’m sure you do

That their happiness will last forever.

He’ll be more than just her husband

He is also her best friend

And she’ll be more than just his wife

She’s his soul mate ‘till the end.

 

I’ll Be There For You by Louise Cuddon (Funny)

I’ll be there, my darling, through thick and through thin

When your mind’s in a mess and your head’s in a spin

When your plane’s been delayed, and you’ve missed the last train.

When life is just threatening to drive you insane

When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page

When somebody tells you, you’re looking your age

When your coffee’s too cool, and your wine is too warm

When the forecast said, “Fine,” but you’re out in a storm

When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum

And your holiday photos show only your thumb

When you park for five minutes in a resident’s bay

And return to discover you’ve been towed away

When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste

Just stick on your hips and don’t reach round your waist

When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes

When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes

So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…

When you break a rule, when you act the fool

When you’ve got the flu, when you’re in a stew

When you’re last in the queue, don’t feel blue

’cause I’m telling you, I’ll be there.

 

Marriage Anon (Amusing)

Marriage is about giving and taking

And forging and forsaking

Kissing and loving and pushing and shoving

Caring and Sharing and screaming and swearing

About being together whatever the weather

About being driven to the end of your tether

About Sweetness and kindness

And wisdom and blindness

It’s about being strong when you’re feeling quite weak

It’s about saying nothing when you’re dying to speak

It’s about being wrong when you know you are right

It’s about giving in, before there’s a fight

It’s about you two living as cheaply as one

(you can give us a call if you know how that’s done!)

Never heeding advice that was always well meant

Never counting the cost until it’s all spent

And for you two today it’s about to begin

And for all that the two of you had to put in

Some days filled with joy, and some days with sadness

Too late you’ll discover that marriage is madness

 

How Falling In Love Is Like Owning a Dog by Taylor Mali (Funny)

First of all, it’s a big responsibility

especially in a city like New York.

So think long and hard before deciding on love.

On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:

when you’re walking down the street late at night

and you have a leash on love

ain’t no one going to mess with you.

Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.

Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.

It lies between you and lives and breathes

and makes funny noises.

Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.

It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.

But come home and love is always happy to see you.

It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,

but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!

Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.

Love leaves you little surprises here and there.

Love needs lots of cleaning up after.

Sometimes you just want to get love fixed.

Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper

and swat love on the nose,

not so much to cause pain,

just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go for a nice long walk.

Because love loves exercise.

It runs you around the block and leaves you panting.

It pulls you in several different directions at once,

or winds around and around you

until you’re all wound up and can’t move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.

People who have nothing in common but love

stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,

again, and again, and again.

But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.

And in return, love loves you and never stops.

 

We’re All A Little Weird by Dr Seuss

“We’re all a little weird. And life’s a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness—and call it love—true love.”

 

The Jar of Life

“The Jar of Life”

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous “yes.” The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor as the laughter subsided, “I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things–your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favourite passions–and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else–the small stuff. “If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued, “there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

“Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first–the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a glass of wine with a friend.”

 

An excerpt from Winnie-the-pooh

“If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day so I never have to live without you.”

“Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh?” he whispered.

“Yes, Piglet?”

“Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s hand. “I just wanted to be sure of you.”

“We’ll be Friends Forever, won’t we, Pooh?’ asked Piglet.

Even longer,’ Pooh answered.”

“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”

 

Passage taken from The Gone-Away World by Nick Harkaway

I need bruschetta (that’s ‘broo-SKET-uh,’ not ‘brushetter,’ a slender piece of ciabatta toasted and brushed with garlic and oil and covered in fresh tomato and basil– the chunks inevitably fall off the bread and the olive oil runs over your lips and down your chin. The whole thing is delicious, deeply physical and delightfully undignified, and a woman who can eat a real bruschetta is a woman you can love and who can love you. Someone who pushes the thing away because it’s messy is never going to cackle at you toothlessly across the living room of your retirement cottage or drag you back from your sixth heart attack by sheer furious affection. Never happen. You need a woman who isn’t afraid of a faceful of olive oil for that)

 

The relationship Promise by Luke Wright

I promise, my darling, to be your best friend

To settle the quarrels before the day ends

To teach you new things and learn in return

Halve debts, colds and baths, and share laughs and concerns.

I promise, my love, to be silly with you

To giggle in restaurants and cinema queues

The romance and hum-drum all blended to bliss

A life battle-plan that’s sealed with a kiss.

From school runs and house work to sweet pillow talk

From mortgage repayments to long country walks

A cuppa in bed when the morning begins

And then, when it’s over, I’ll pour you a gin.

I promise I’ll seek to avoid nasty schisms

I know that at times we’ll need two televisions

I love you so much that whenever we fight

I’ll learn to repeat : I was wrong, you were right.

I’ll cook for you darling, that’s what love’s about

A meal made from scratch is worth on hundred out

I’ll shield you from worries that swing overhead

I promise I’ll try to be awesome in bed.

I promise, my darling, I’ll give you your space

When you’re on the loo, dear, I’ll spare you my face

But know that I’ll be there when your spirit sinks

To match you for messiness, cuddles and drinks.

I love you, my darling, so let’s live together

Stack days into decades to make our forever.